Compromise

I'm sure you're aware that compromise is a big part of marriage. You've probably heard many jokes about it. Like all marriage skills, compromise is an important skill to practice while you're dating.

Have you experienced compromise while dating? I did when I was dating my husband. He loved sports and I didn't. While we were dating, we went to a bunch of basketball games. It wasn't my number one choice but  I got into it! It became pretty fun! And I would occasionally drag that poor guy through Target. I want to highlight that this was when we were dating. Compromise isn't just for marriage.

I found an article online about guys compromising in dating. It says there are 5 big ways that guys will compromise when they are serious about a relationship. They will compromise their:

sleep schedule- he'll stay up talking with you

passionate interests- he'll miss a basketball game to see a play with you

comfort zone- he'll walk through Charlotte Russe with you

his social life- he'll end up spending less time with his friends to spend time with you 

his manhood- your hands are full and all the sudden he's holding your purse :)

As girls, we don't always realize how much our guys are changing for us. We need to meet them halfway. Think of ways that you can compromise the same 5 things in your serious relationship.

Communication breakdown

If you're on pinterest, like me, you may have seen this pictures floating around:

Our generation is experiencing a communication breakdown. I don't need to tell you about because I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. But this is the question: how is it influencing dating and our relationships?

People are losing social skills. Instead of learning how to have an immediate conversation where you need to respond in time, we are free to ignore a text or edit our texts to perfection. When you are married and you're living with your spouse, you cannot erase your spoken words. You can be unintentionally hurtful and suffer the consequences. There is a general breakdown of face to face communication skills happening within our peers. People are dating less because they fear the formality of sitting alone together and talking. They fear it because they don't know how to do it!

If you watch MTV, like me, you may have heard of the show Catfish. It's about people who have long term relationships online and they are brought together in real life. The experience isn't always what people expect.  In the last episode, this girl was united with her online boyfriend of 8 months or so, only to discover that her boyfriend was a 16 year old girl. Have you or someone you've known dated online? My problem is if you can be a completely different person, how is it in any way an effective form of dating?

I know people who have met online and continued on to successful relationships. I'm not saying people should avoid socializing altogether online. The important difference is that relationships become successful when they leave the technological world and enter the real world. 

I CHALLENGE you to bring your socializing back to the real world. Try to avoid asking a girl out by text (unless your in such a serious relationship that you see each other everyday and on a Wednesday you decide to take a walk at sunset and its called "a date"- then text, whatevs). Avoid texting when you're hanging out with friends(woosh, that will be the hardest one). Harass your friends when they do (that won't be as hard lol) Talk to people face to face. Our generation desperately needs it.

And why wouldn't you want to?

Too Comfortable

Mike "The Situation" from the Jersey Shore recently broke up with his girlfriend of like...a couple days. The problem was that once they made it official, she lost her filter. She started talking about gross stuff and burping and doing generally unattractive things. Mike lost his attraction to her and ended it. If you want to see a clip of it here it is: Mike the Situation is embarrassed by his girlfriend.

In my last post I was just talking about masks. In dating, you need to take off your mask and be yourself so your date can get to know you. There is an opposite end which is problematic too. You can get too comfortable and too open. Take farting, it isn't attractive and your date doesn't want to witness you do it. 

People get upset over this and say "well am I supposed to be a fake, perfect toy doll all the time?" This is extreme. Another reaction is that people think they can't be themselves and feel restricted. What do you think? You have a huge burp building in your throat. Do you release it with joy and expect your partner to accept it because it's accepting you as a person? Or do you silence it because you want to stay attractive to that person? 

I say balance is always healthy. I burp like crazy. I burp all the time. I burped around the guys I was dating. I burped all the time when I was dating my husband and I still burp. But if my husband said to me "Jessica, your burping is disgusting and I would like if you would stop" it would be hard but I would stop. Fortunately, he truthfully doesn't care and he would burp too.

But you can't let everything go! There is a flip side to this. In marriage, you need to keep a certain amount of sacredness for lack of a better word. Take this guy and the 16 ways he blew his marriage. He says to not poop in front of your spouse, it's just unattractive. Keep your spark alive by taking care of yourself, working to build and keep attraction in your relationship, and censor some damaging behaviors. 

You're thinking, I"M SINGLE! What does this have to do with me? I get it, this is irrelevant. Well, dating is the time to practice these skills! Don't just wait till your married to start trying to figure this out. If you respect your marriage, you show it by not letting yourself go (so to speak). You work on yourself just as you work on your relationship. 

Masks

A common problem in dating is worrying about masks. By masks, I mean that people put on an act and aren't sincere.  A girl may say she love sports when she doesn't, like Katherine Heigl's sister in 27 Dresses. Or a guy may say he's not really into sports and likes animals (when he doesn't), like Tad Hamilton in Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. Do the movie references help? haha

The thing is that masks are unavoidable in the beginning. The first couple dates can be awkward, tense, or cautious. Even if you're totally comfortable with first dates, you usually act a little different with people you don't know. Even if you're thinking, no Jessica, I'm 100% myself on first dates, FINE! you're weird (jk) but it's highly likely that your date will be a little reserved. So it's going to be something you will deal or have dealt with.

 What solution do you have for this problem? My solution is based on all of my solutions for dating: relax. Date long enough for the mask to come off and don't worry about it. We've all heard horror stories about people who get married and then the mask comes off and they realized they married an axe murderer or whatever. You can prevent this by extending your courtship period beyond one month lol.

In the mean time, what mask are you wearing? Think about it, you may not be aware of it. In women's therapy, there is an exercise where the women draw out their masks. Do you put on airs that you're super cool or you changed your interests? You don't have to be 100% open during the first couple dates but as a relationship progresses, you will have to take off your mask and hope your partner does the same.

Wait, who are you?

Do you know who you are? Who are you? What do you like? What traits are you looking for in a romantic relationship?

We start dating young (even younger if you're not LDS) and we're not going to know the answers to these questions then. Why is that okay? Because you're not going to get married at 16 (hopefully, yeesh). But when the 20's roll around, it's at least a possibility.

Don't worry about when you'll get married, whether you want to get married soon or far into the future.  Being single is a time when you can focus on yourself. Do you know your personality color? If not, take this test: Color Code Test.

Have you heard of the Five Love Languages? If not, take this test: 5 Love Language Test. The test is trying to figure out how you express or feel love by: physical touch, service, time together, by words, or gifts. When you know your love language, you gain insight into how you show your feelings to others and what you like others to do for you.

 The last and most important part of this post is to work to become the person you want to marry, not look at dating as a search for the person who has every trait you want. Dating is a time to get to know people and discover whether you are compatible. But the process is going to be more rewarding if you build yourself up to become like the person you want to marry. If you just compare your dates with an extensive checklist, you may reject people you are compatible with or maybe even find someone who passes your checklist but is incompatible with you. This message is brought to you by my marriage prep class.

What a cheap date

They're so happy and yet so creepy

Most of us are poor college students, okay? We can’t afford to take someone else out for dinner and the whole shebang every stinking weekend. But there are cheap ways to have fun and get to know other people. However, whatever you do, don’t be this guy:

Cheapskate movie date

There are so many cheap date ideas out there though! I asked my friends for cheap dates that they enjoyed and this is what they said:

·         picnics at a cemetery, park, or indoor area (like the mall, on a college campus, or a fort in your living room)
·         take a class together, like yoga, kickboxing, zumba, dance, etc
·         go thrift shopping with a $5-$10 limit and buy something for each other
·         day spa at home (don’t lie guys, you get into this!)
·         volunteer somewhere
·         have an iron chef cook off!
·         bonfires with hot dogs and smores
·         nerf gun war (nerf guns are an awesome investment)
·         feed the ducks
·          if you both love a TV show, make a date out of new episode showings
·         plan a fancy dinner at a fast food restaurant. lay out nice linens and candles
·         go roller skating
·         make boats out of tin foil and race them down a little stream
·         live it up at Nickel City
·         use makeshift sleds and go sledding. be sure to get some hot chocolate
·         pick up some fresh ingredients at the farmers market, come home and cook up a meal
·         college campuses provide lots of cheap cheap opportunities to see plays and performances
·         put down some trash bags and eat spaghetti with your hands
·         try restaurant.com to find good deals
·         karaoke night at Pizza Pie Cafe
·         play pool, ping pong, or foosball
·         glow stick tag at a park at night
·         go to a rifle range
·         have a flour fight (put flour in nylon stockings and hit each other- it sounds lame, okay, but I dig this)
·         build a fort wherever you want
·         brighten up the sidewalk with chalk drawings
·         rent a tandem bike
·         water balloon fight
·         pretend like you’re living in Ikea
·         watch a scary movie and then walk around a cemetery
·         go jogging together
·         walk around a bookstore
·         test drive an expensive car
·         have an over-the-top pretentious conversation about interpreting art at an art museum
·         make homemade pizzas. then you can customize your toppings and it’s delish

These aren’t just a random list of possibilities. They are tried and true. And I could go on and on. Dating is a great time to try out crazy, creative, cheap dates because guess what…when you’re married, you’ll be doing the same thing.

The Race

Is this not how single wards feel? (except the guys are wearing longer shorts)

I've been getting advice from my single friends about what they would like to hear about on this blog. Please leave a comment if you would like to discuss something!!

My friend Emma said "I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that it feels like a race to the finish line of a temple marriage. And with that perspective, it seems like it's always the prettiest, most talented, skinniest girls that win.

“That contributes to a really bad idea that girls have to fit those attributes to be happy. Dating isn't about winning, and marriage isn't about winning. The happiest people are content with themselves and find someone who loves them for who they are." 

This goes back to the pressure problem. I think it does two things: 1. some people are freaked out and want to get married like, now, or 2. some people are freaked out and push away from the social scene, not wanting to even date. 

People! How do we beat this down? The answer is simple: chillax about dating. The hard part is putting that into practice. I knew some guys in my singles ward that would go on lots of dates and the girls would call him a man-slut. We've all done this, right? The poor guy is just trying to meet people and have fun. 

So. Stop calling that guy a man-slut. And encourage other girls to do the same. Reserve that prestigious name, man-slut, to those selected few who really deserve it. I knew a handful of dudes that were TRUE man-sluts and it's worth keeping it special :)

AND! Relax about dating! Just relax. Girls, you don't have to have a date lined up this weekend. Guys, you don't have to marry the girl you take out. Just have fun, danggit!!

Slow Down Crazy

Do you know a girl like this? Aaaand how does it make you feel? Like you just want to jump into serious committed relationship, right? ...

Guys complain about this a lot. They don't want to ask some girls out because then the chick will freak out. If I were asking a guy out because I wanted to get to know him and have fun, it would be really bad if he got all crazy. By crazy, I mean being possessive, aggressive, saying we had some sort of commitment, telling other people we were "dating, naming our future children, etc.

I wonder where this breed of crazy comes from in our LDS dating culture. I guess, like I talked about before, there is a lot of pressure on us to get married young. I also wonder if it maybe comes from immaturity. If you have been in a long, serious relationship, you know that it takes a lot of work and experience. If you haven't, and you're looking forward to a serious relationship, you may want to jump in early. like scarily early.

I would say that girls are more likely to do this in our culture, but there are guys who do it too. My roommates would come home with wild stories of guys that were too aggressive and moved too fast. It's a hard line to walk. We girls go nuts when guys move too slow and we freak out when they move too fast. What's the perfect speed? I don't know. I think everyone has a different speed.

In my relationship with my husband, I was ready for us to take our relationship up a level about a week or two before we did. And I'm glad we didn't take it up a notch the second I felt ready to. When we did, I felt a lot more confident about it. It's a hard process, but you'll have to do it! Just relax. Be calm. But don't wait around for a bum (guy or girl) that leads you down a year long commitment-less path.

Settling

My friend Alex said “If I could change one thing about dating it's the stereotype marriage age. A lot of pressure is put on both men and women to marry the first person willing because it's a box on the checklist of life that they want to just mark it off so they can move on with life. Make sure you CAN spend eternity with him before you tie the knot.”

Why do we feel this pressure to get married young? Ok, I can think of some reasons. Especially if you're seriously dating, the bishop gets a little nervous and wants to push you toward marriage so you don't slip up anywhere (haha, that's an awkward topic. let's move on). When we get into our late 20's without getting married, our older relatives give us  a weird look and start asking questions...

Does that pressure make you feel like you need to settle? I think this is a common thought for LDS single people but it rarely actually happens. I believe (and hope) that LDS people won't go too much farther than they want to in relationships. I know some people have "settled" and married someone they didn't really want to marry, which is such a sad thing to hear. But I think that is a very small percentage. 

When it comes to the real deal, you're going to want to put a ring on it. And when it comes to putting a ring on it, you're going to make sure it's the real deal.

So why do we have this obsession with settling? Do we view others who marry young as settling? That they figured they couldn't do better? Or that the other person was good enough? Do we think that one partner is better than the other? Do we really believe that we could be capable of settling for something as important and eternal as marriage? 

Please don't. That situation really stinks. And I believe we know that, you know that. You're not going to settle. When the time is right and the person is right, you'll know. Marriage is amazing when you're with the right person, don't compromise for anything else.  

Under Pressure!

Bowie and Queen "Under Pressure"

The bishop announces that Relief Society and Priesthood will be combined for a lesson about dating. Mixed reactions sweep through the room. My friends and I silently fist bump. We go to the class, sit down ready to hear all about our frustrations with dating, and the teacher starts talking about…marriage. Marriage? The only commitment I’m looking for involves Friday nights, not Friday nights for the rest of eternity!

I asked my single friends for their biggest dating frustrations. My friend Alex said “there's too much pressure. In the LDS world, if a guy asks you out, it means he's singling you out as a potential wife. That’s why we have "hang outs" and unofficial dates which are confusing because that's what guy friends and girl friends do too. So what's going on? I don't know!”

It does seem like it’s a much bigger deal to go on a date than it did to our parents. Have you heard crazy stories about your parent’s dating history? My mother-in-law went on about 50 dates in one summer. My dad dated all the time. And it wasn't a big deal for my mom to date guys and then date their roommates. Alex’s dad dated all of her mom’s roommates before he dated her mom. 

Some guys refuse to even date anyone in their ward. They don’t want the complications that come from it if the relationship doesn't work out. Other guys will date girls in the ward but not girls in their FHE group, or only one girl per apartment.

I get the apartment one. It would be weird if my roommate dated a guy I liked. I kind of understand the FHE rule. If a relationship didn't work out, future FHE activities would be awkward. But if my husband had the “will not date girls in my ward” rule, we wouldn't have dated. And since dating is the natural lead to marriage… you get my drift.

My conclusion is: fight against the pressure and don’t close doors. Spread the word that dating should be more frequent, more casual, and more widespread. Dates can be so cheap and cheap dates can be so fun. If you have a girl on your hands that demands you take her to the Melting Pot for a date, drop her off at the Belmont and wish her well. We all just want to socialize free of pain. You can decide to shirk off the pressure and have fun. You can also prevent yourself from finding your future wife in your ward ;) Decide.    

Intimidation

"Why don't I get asked out more often? It must be because I'm smart, successful, and attractive and people find that intimidating."

Ok, the way I worded it makes it seem like a harsh joke. But how many times have we got into a conversation about why the opposite gender sucks and the "i" word pops up? I wonder how intimidation truly influences dating. Have you been comforting your friend after a rejection and you say 'he/she was just intimidated because you're so awesome'?  

It's awesome to have confidence! Don't get me wrong. Confidence is an essential part of dating and will propel you forward in your social life. Know how amazing you are. Know that if someone knew you, they would be intimidated. Just don't let this idea that you're not approachable because you're intimidating leak into your mind. Focus on who you want to meet rather than who would like to meet you but is acting like a shy puppy. Be confident and go talk to them; you never know what could happen. 

I decided to do a little research online. I searched "are guys intimidated by girls?" and I got a ton of results. A lot of women have written little online articles about how guys find them intimidating. Here is one: Why the Girl Who Has Everything Doesn't Have a Boyfriend. The article quotes a college aged woman who says “I once went on a date and the guy asked me about my career goals in life. After I told him he actually verbalized that I was intimidating. I am as sweet and gentle as they come, but I feel as though my driven work ethic repels guys.”  I wish the article had given information about what came after this date. Was the guy so intimidated that he never called her again? Or did he kinda mean it as a compliment.

 And aren't there a million factors that go into why a date would or would not be successful? The article also suggests that other factors that make you successful in the workplace could hurt a relationship like being a workaholic, being aggressive, having high expectations, etc. 

It may seem harsh to pop this little happy balloon but I think it is empowering. You are no longer tied down by this issue. You are approachable and friendly. Your successes make you an interesting, dynamic, deep person. Who doesn't want to get to know someone like that? If you find someone who doesn't, then drop them like they're hot. 

Video games

GIRLS: Why don't boys ask out girls more? They sit around on the weekends and play video games. Come on. They're acting like 13 year olds.

BOYS: I've had a tough week of work and I want to kick back with my roommates and relax. I don't have a lot of money and I can't afford to take someone out for dinner every week.


It's tough to be a girl and sit back and wait for a guy to ask you out. It seems so easy when you know you'll say yes. All a guy would need to do is say "Hey, you wanna...?". But we underestimate how difficult it is to ask a girl out, plan, and pay for a date. Challenge!! Ask a boy out. Seriously. You'll have to plan and pay for it. You'll find that this isn't a speedy remedy for the single illness. Instead you will learn how nerve-wracking it is and maybe you won't feel the need to rant with your roomies.

When I was dating I hands-down refused to ask a guy out. I always said if he likes me enough, he'll ask me out. If he doesn't then I won't bother. My husband disagrees. He says it's circumstantial. Some guys get nervous and won't ask a girl out. They also worry that even if they did and even if she said yes, she may not be interested and the date would be a waste.

You don't have to go on a date every weekend (until you're married, then you can make goals). We all know one of those girls that gets 5 dates a week and doesn't really need to grocery shop. Pffsh. If you feel that internal pressure to date often, ask yourself why. Do you just hate being single? Are you insecure about not dating? Work on those feelings first. Find security in yourself and your happiness and confidence will radiate out. You never know, your new relaxed, confident demeanor may lead to new social opportunities :)

But guys....ask girls out more. Ya, I said it. It doesn't have to be expensive. We all know there are cheap, fun, social opportunities (especially near college campuses).

About Me

I'll start with my name, I'm Jessica. I'm a student at BYU. I'm doing an internship about marriage and family and this blog is apart of it. 

I spent 4 years in the LDS dating world at BYU. I know the fun and the frustrations first hand. I got married a couple months ago. My internship assignment is to talk about marriage principles in dating in this blog.

Now, here's the thing. We all have attended those singles ward lessons that were about "dating" but they just talked about marriage. It always frustrated me! I thought that people were a little freaked about marriage and when the subject came up, people shut down. So I would like to avoid that. It's harder than I imagined because to get married, you have to date. But if you date, you don't have to get married. We're going to play around with this.

I would LOVE comments! Comment comment comment, tell me how you feel. What are your frustrations with the LDS dating world? What are your favorite parts?