Slow Down Crazy

Do you know a girl like this? Aaaand how does it make you feel? Like you just want to jump into serious committed relationship, right? ...

Guys complain about this a lot. They don't want to ask some girls out because then the chick will freak out. If I were asking a guy out because I wanted to get to know him and have fun, it would be really bad if he got all crazy. By crazy, I mean being possessive, aggressive, saying we had some sort of commitment, telling other people we were "dating, naming our future children, etc.

I wonder where this breed of crazy comes from in our LDS dating culture. I guess, like I talked about before, there is a lot of pressure on us to get married young. I also wonder if it maybe comes from immaturity. If you have been in a long, serious relationship, you know that it takes a lot of work and experience. If you haven't, and you're looking forward to a serious relationship, you may want to jump in early. like scarily early.

I would say that girls are more likely to do this in our culture, but there are guys who do it too. My roommates would come home with wild stories of guys that were too aggressive and moved too fast. It's a hard line to walk. We girls go nuts when guys move too slow and we freak out when they move too fast. What's the perfect speed? I don't know. I think everyone has a different speed.

In my relationship with my husband, I was ready for us to take our relationship up a level about a week or two before we did. And I'm glad we didn't take it up a notch the second I felt ready to. When we did, I felt a lot more confident about it. It's a hard process, but you'll have to do it! Just relax. Be calm. But don't wait around for a bum (guy or girl) that leads you down a year long commitment-less path.

Settling

My friend Alex said “If I could change one thing about dating it's the stereotype marriage age. A lot of pressure is put on both men and women to marry the first person willing because it's a box on the checklist of life that they want to just mark it off so they can move on with life. Make sure you CAN spend eternity with him before you tie the knot.”

Why do we feel this pressure to get married young? Ok, I can think of some reasons. Especially if you're seriously dating, the bishop gets a little nervous and wants to push you toward marriage so you don't slip up anywhere (haha, that's an awkward topic. let's move on). When we get into our late 20's without getting married, our older relatives give us  a weird look and start asking questions...

Does that pressure make you feel like you need to settle? I think this is a common thought for LDS single people but it rarely actually happens. I believe (and hope) that LDS people won't go too much farther than they want to in relationships. I know some people have "settled" and married someone they didn't really want to marry, which is such a sad thing to hear. But I think that is a very small percentage. 

When it comes to the real deal, you're going to want to put a ring on it. And when it comes to putting a ring on it, you're going to make sure it's the real deal.

So why do we have this obsession with settling? Do we view others who marry young as settling? That they figured they couldn't do better? Or that the other person was good enough? Do we think that one partner is better than the other? Do we really believe that we could be capable of settling for something as important and eternal as marriage? 

Please don't. That situation really stinks. And I believe we know that, you know that. You're not going to settle. When the time is right and the person is right, you'll know. Marriage is amazing when you're with the right person, don't compromise for anything else.  

Under Pressure!

Bowie and Queen "Under Pressure"

The bishop announces that Relief Society and Priesthood will be combined for a lesson about dating. Mixed reactions sweep through the room. My friends and I silently fist bump. We go to the class, sit down ready to hear all about our frustrations with dating, and the teacher starts talking about…marriage. Marriage? The only commitment I’m looking for involves Friday nights, not Friday nights for the rest of eternity!

I asked my single friends for their biggest dating frustrations. My friend Alex said “there's too much pressure. In the LDS world, if a guy asks you out, it means he's singling you out as a potential wife. That’s why we have "hang outs" and unofficial dates which are confusing because that's what guy friends and girl friends do too. So what's going on? I don't know!”

It does seem like it’s a much bigger deal to go on a date than it did to our parents. Have you heard crazy stories about your parent’s dating history? My mother-in-law went on about 50 dates in one summer. My dad dated all the time. And it wasn't a big deal for my mom to date guys and then date their roommates. Alex’s dad dated all of her mom’s roommates before he dated her mom. 

Some guys refuse to even date anyone in their ward. They don’t want the complications that come from it if the relationship doesn't work out. Other guys will date girls in the ward but not girls in their FHE group, or only one girl per apartment.

I get the apartment one. It would be weird if my roommate dated a guy I liked. I kind of understand the FHE rule. If a relationship didn't work out, future FHE activities would be awkward. But if my husband had the “will not date girls in my ward” rule, we wouldn't have dated. And since dating is the natural lead to marriage… you get my drift.

My conclusion is: fight against the pressure and don’t close doors. Spread the word that dating should be more frequent, more casual, and more widespread. Dates can be so cheap and cheap dates can be so fun. If you have a girl on your hands that demands you take her to the Melting Pot for a date, drop her off at the Belmont and wish her well. We all just want to socialize free of pain. You can decide to shirk off the pressure and have fun. You can also prevent yourself from finding your future wife in your ward ;) Decide.    

Intimidation

"Why don't I get asked out more often? It must be because I'm smart, successful, and attractive and people find that intimidating."

Ok, the way I worded it makes it seem like a harsh joke. But how many times have we got into a conversation about why the opposite gender sucks and the "i" word pops up? I wonder how intimidation truly influences dating. Have you been comforting your friend after a rejection and you say 'he/she was just intimidated because you're so awesome'?  

It's awesome to have confidence! Don't get me wrong. Confidence is an essential part of dating and will propel you forward in your social life. Know how amazing you are. Know that if someone knew you, they would be intimidated. Just don't let this idea that you're not approachable because you're intimidating leak into your mind. Focus on who you want to meet rather than who would like to meet you but is acting like a shy puppy. Be confident and go talk to them; you never know what could happen. 

I decided to do a little research online. I searched "are guys intimidated by girls?" and I got a ton of results. A lot of women have written little online articles about how guys find them intimidating. Here is one: Why the Girl Who Has Everything Doesn't Have a Boyfriend. The article quotes a college aged woman who says “I once went on a date and the guy asked me about my career goals in life. After I told him he actually verbalized that I was intimidating. I am as sweet and gentle as they come, but I feel as though my driven work ethic repels guys.”  I wish the article had given information about what came after this date. Was the guy so intimidated that he never called her again? Or did he kinda mean it as a compliment.

 And aren't there a million factors that go into why a date would or would not be successful? The article also suggests that other factors that make you successful in the workplace could hurt a relationship like being a workaholic, being aggressive, having high expectations, etc. 

It may seem harsh to pop this little happy balloon but I think it is empowering. You are no longer tied down by this issue. You are approachable and friendly. Your successes make you an interesting, dynamic, deep person. Who doesn't want to get to know someone like that? If you find someone who doesn't, then drop them like they're hot. 

Video games

GIRLS: Why don't boys ask out girls more? They sit around on the weekends and play video games. Come on. They're acting like 13 year olds.

BOYS: I've had a tough week of work and I want to kick back with my roommates and relax. I don't have a lot of money and I can't afford to take someone out for dinner every week.


It's tough to be a girl and sit back and wait for a guy to ask you out. It seems so easy when you know you'll say yes. All a guy would need to do is say "Hey, you wanna...?". But we underestimate how difficult it is to ask a girl out, plan, and pay for a date. Challenge!! Ask a boy out. Seriously. You'll have to plan and pay for it. You'll find that this isn't a speedy remedy for the single illness. Instead you will learn how nerve-wracking it is and maybe you won't feel the need to rant with your roomies.

When I was dating I hands-down refused to ask a guy out. I always said if he likes me enough, he'll ask me out. If he doesn't then I won't bother. My husband disagrees. He says it's circumstantial. Some guys get nervous and won't ask a girl out. They also worry that even if they did and even if she said yes, she may not be interested and the date would be a waste.

You don't have to go on a date every weekend (until you're married, then you can make goals). We all know one of those girls that gets 5 dates a week and doesn't really need to grocery shop. Pffsh. If you feel that internal pressure to date often, ask yourself why. Do you just hate being single? Are you insecure about not dating? Work on those feelings first. Find security in yourself and your happiness and confidence will radiate out. You never know, your new relaxed, confident demeanor may lead to new social opportunities :)

But guys....ask girls out more. Ya, I said it. It doesn't have to be expensive. We all know there are cheap, fun, social opportunities (especially near college campuses).

About Me

I'll start with my name, I'm Jessica. I'm a student at BYU. I'm doing an internship about marriage and family and this blog is apart of it. 

I spent 4 years in the LDS dating world at BYU. I know the fun and the frustrations first hand. I got married a couple months ago. My internship assignment is to talk about marriage principles in dating in this blog.

Now, here's the thing. We all have attended those singles ward lessons that were about "dating" but they just talked about marriage. It always frustrated me! I thought that people were a little freaked about marriage and when the subject came up, people shut down. So I would like to avoid that. It's harder than I imagined because to get married, you have to date. But if you date, you don't have to get married. We're going to play around with this.

I would LOVE comments! Comment comment comment, tell me how you feel. What are your frustrations with the LDS dating world? What are your favorite parts?