Compromise

I'm sure you're aware that compromise is a big part of marriage. You've probably heard many jokes about it. Like all marriage skills, compromise is an important skill to practice while you're dating.

Have you experienced compromise while dating? I did when I was dating my husband. He loved sports and I didn't. While we were dating, we went to a bunch of basketball games. It wasn't my number one choice but  I got into it! It became pretty fun! And I would occasionally drag that poor guy through Target. I want to highlight that this was when we were dating. Compromise isn't just for marriage.

I found an article online about guys compromising in dating. It says there are 5 big ways that guys will compromise when they are serious about a relationship. They will compromise their:

sleep schedule- he'll stay up talking with you

passionate interests- he'll miss a basketball game to see a play with you

comfort zone- he'll walk through Charlotte Russe with you

his social life- he'll end up spending less time with his friends to spend time with you 

his manhood- your hands are full and all the sudden he's holding your purse :)

As girls, we don't always realize how much our guys are changing for us. We need to meet them halfway. Think of ways that you can compromise the same 5 things in your serious relationship.

Communication breakdown

If you're on pinterest, like me, you may have seen this pictures floating around:

Our generation is experiencing a communication breakdown. I don't need to tell you about because I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. But this is the question: how is it influencing dating and our relationships?

People are losing social skills. Instead of learning how to have an immediate conversation where you need to respond in time, we are free to ignore a text or edit our texts to perfection. When you are married and you're living with your spouse, you cannot erase your spoken words. You can be unintentionally hurtful and suffer the consequences. There is a general breakdown of face to face communication skills happening within our peers. People are dating less because they fear the formality of sitting alone together and talking. They fear it because they don't know how to do it!

If you watch MTV, like me, you may have heard of the show Catfish. It's about people who have long term relationships online and they are brought together in real life. The experience isn't always what people expect.  In the last episode, this girl was united with her online boyfriend of 8 months or so, only to discover that her boyfriend was a 16 year old girl. Have you or someone you've known dated online? My problem is if you can be a completely different person, how is it in any way an effective form of dating?

I know people who have met online and continued on to successful relationships. I'm not saying people should avoid socializing altogether online. The important difference is that relationships become successful when they leave the technological world and enter the real world. 

I CHALLENGE you to bring your socializing back to the real world. Try to avoid asking a girl out by text (unless your in such a serious relationship that you see each other everyday and on a Wednesday you decide to take a walk at sunset and its called "a date"- then text, whatevs). Avoid texting when you're hanging out with friends(woosh, that will be the hardest one). Harass your friends when they do (that won't be as hard lol) Talk to people face to face. Our generation desperately needs it.

And why wouldn't you want to?

Too Comfortable

Mike "The Situation" from the Jersey Shore recently broke up with his girlfriend of like...a couple days. The problem was that once they made it official, she lost her filter. She started talking about gross stuff and burping and doing generally unattractive things. Mike lost his attraction to her and ended it. If you want to see a clip of it here it is: Mike the Situation is embarrassed by his girlfriend.

In my last post I was just talking about masks. In dating, you need to take off your mask and be yourself so your date can get to know you. There is an opposite end which is problematic too. You can get too comfortable and too open. Take farting, it isn't attractive and your date doesn't want to witness you do it. 

People get upset over this and say "well am I supposed to be a fake, perfect toy doll all the time?" This is extreme. Another reaction is that people think they can't be themselves and feel restricted. What do you think? You have a huge burp building in your throat. Do you release it with joy and expect your partner to accept it because it's accepting you as a person? Or do you silence it because you want to stay attractive to that person? 

I say balance is always healthy. I burp like crazy. I burp all the time. I burped around the guys I was dating. I burped all the time when I was dating my husband and I still burp. But if my husband said to me "Jessica, your burping is disgusting and I would like if you would stop" it would be hard but I would stop. Fortunately, he truthfully doesn't care and he would burp too.

But you can't let everything go! There is a flip side to this. In marriage, you need to keep a certain amount of sacredness for lack of a better word. Take this guy and the 16 ways he blew his marriage. He says to not poop in front of your spouse, it's just unattractive. Keep your spark alive by taking care of yourself, working to build and keep attraction in your relationship, and censor some damaging behaviors. 

You're thinking, I"M SINGLE! What does this have to do with me? I get it, this is irrelevant. Well, dating is the time to practice these skills! Don't just wait till your married to start trying to figure this out. If you respect your marriage, you show it by not letting yourself go (so to speak). You work on yourself just as you work on your relationship. 

Masks

A common problem in dating is worrying about masks. By masks, I mean that people put on an act and aren't sincere.  A girl may say she love sports when she doesn't, like Katherine Heigl's sister in 27 Dresses. Or a guy may say he's not really into sports and likes animals (when he doesn't), like Tad Hamilton in Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. Do the movie references help? haha

The thing is that masks are unavoidable in the beginning. The first couple dates can be awkward, tense, or cautious. Even if you're totally comfortable with first dates, you usually act a little different with people you don't know. Even if you're thinking, no Jessica, I'm 100% myself on first dates, FINE! you're weird (jk) but it's highly likely that your date will be a little reserved. So it's going to be something you will deal or have dealt with.

 What solution do you have for this problem? My solution is based on all of my solutions for dating: relax. Date long enough for the mask to come off and don't worry about it. We've all heard horror stories about people who get married and then the mask comes off and they realized they married an axe murderer or whatever. You can prevent this by extending your courtship period beyond one month lol.

In the mean time, what mask are you wearing? Think about it, you may not be aware of it. In women's therapy, there is an exercise where the women draw out their masks. Do you put on airs that you're super cool or you changed your interests? You don't have to be 100% open during the first couple dates but as a relationship progresses, you will have to take off your mask and hope your partner does the same.

Wait, who are you?

Do you know who you are? Who are you? What do you like? What traits are you looking for in a romantic relationship?

We start dating young (even younger if you're not LDS) and we're not going to know the answers to these questions then. Why is that okay? Because you're not going to get married at 16 (hopefully, yeesh). But when the 20's roll around, it's at least a possibility.

Don't worry about when you'll get married, whether you want to get married soon or far into the future.  Being single is a time when you can focus on yourself. Do you know your personality color? If not, take this test: Color Code Test.

Have you heard of the Five Love Languages? If not, take this test: 5 Love Language Test. The test is trying to figure out how you express or feel love by: physical touch, service, time together, by words, or gifts. When you know your love language, you gain insight into how you show your feelings to others and what you like others to do for you.

 The last and most important part of this post is to work to become the person you want to marry, not look at dating as a search for the person who has every trait you want. Dating is a time to get to know people and discover whether you are compatible. But the process is going to be more rewarding if you build yourself up to become like the person you want to marry. If you just compare your dates with an extensive checklist, you may reject people you are compatible with or maybe even find someone who passes your checklist but is incompatible with you. This message is brought to you by my marriage prep class.

What a cheap date

They're so happy and yet so creepy

Most of us are poor college students, okay? We can’t afford to take someone else out for dinner and the whole shebang every stinking weekend. But there are cheap ways to have fun and get to know other people. However, whatever you do, don’t be this guy:

Cheapskate movie date

There are so many cheap date ideas out there though! I asked my friends for cheap dates that they enjoyed and this is what they said:

·         picnics at a cemetery, park, or indoor area (like the mall, on a college campus, or a fort in your living room)
·         take a class together, like yoga, kickboxing, zumba, dance, etc
·         go thrift shopping with a $5-$10 limit and buy something for each other
·         day spa at home (don’t lie guys, you get into this!)
·         volunteer somewhere
·         have an iron chef cook off!
·         bonfires with hot dogs and smores
·         nerf gun war (nerf guns are an awesome investment)
·         feed the ducks
·          if you both love a TV show, make a date out of new episode showings
·         plan a fancy dinner at a fast food restaurant. lay out nice linens and candles
·         go roller skating
·         make boats out of tin foil and race them down a little stream
·         live it up at Nickel City
·         use makeshift sleds and go sledding. be sure to get some hot chocolate
·         pick up some fresh ingredients at the farmers market, come home and cook up a meal
·         college campuses provide lots of cheap cheap opportunities to see plays and performances
·         put down some trash bags and eat spaghetti with your hands
·         try restaurant.com to find good deals
·         karaoke night at Pizza Pie Cafe
·         play pool, ping pong, or foosball
·         glow stick tag at a park at night
·         go to a rifle range
·         have a flour fight (put flour in nylon stockings and hit each other- it sounds lame, okay, but I dig this)
·         build a fort wherever you want
·         brighten up the sidewalk with chalk drawings
·         rent a tandem bike
·         water balloon fight
·         pretend like you’re living in Ikea
·         watch a scary movie and then walk around a cemetery
·         go jogging together
·         walk around a bookstore
·         test drive an expensive car
·         have an over-the-top pretentious conversation about interpreting art at an art museum
·         make homemade pizzas. then you can customize your toppings and it’s delish

These aren’t just a random list of possibilities. They are tried and true. And I could go on and on. Dating is a great time to try out crazy, creative, cheap dates because guess what…when you’re married, you’ll be doing the same thing.

The Race

Is this not how single wards feel? (except the guys are wearing longer shorts)

I've been getting advice from my single friends about what they would like to hear about on this blog. Please leave a comment if you would like to discuss something!!

My friend Emma said "I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that it feels like a race to the finish line of a temple marriage. And with that perspective, it seems like it's always the prettiest, most talented, skinniest girls that win.

“That contributes to a really bad idea that girls have to fit those attributes to be happy. Dating isn't about winning, and marriage isn't about winning. The happiest people are content with themselves and find someone who loves them for who they are." 

This goes back to the pressure problem. I think it does two things: 1. some people are freaked out and want to get married like, now, or 2. some people are freaked out and push away from the social scene, not wanting to even date. 

People! How do we beat this down? The answer is simple: chillax about dating. The hard part is putting that into practice. I knew some guys in my singles ward that would go on lots of dates and the girls would call him a man-slut. We've all done this, right? The poor guy is just trying to meet people and have fun. 

So. Stop calling that guy a man-slut. And encourage other girls to do the same. Reserve that prestigious name, man-slut, to those selected few who really deserve it. I knew a handful of dudes that were TRUE man-sluts and it's worth keeping it special :)

AND! Relax about dating! Just relax. Girls, you don't have to have a date lined up this weekend. Guys, you don't have to marry the girl you take out. Just have fun, danggit!!